I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Drunk is a universal language darling
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