Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you will always have a special place in my vag
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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