All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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