2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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