Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
