batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You can't motorboat a personality
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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