I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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