I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
