If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
