I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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