I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
