youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
