Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
