hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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