I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
