and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
