i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
