What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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