Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
