i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I see more hoeing in ur future
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
