i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
