I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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