This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
My life is pants optional.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
