I skipped work to stalk him.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
