there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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