i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
