so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
