I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We got so high we made milksteak
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
