I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
