Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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