Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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