Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
