Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
