Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
