I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
