the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
