i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
