So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
