Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
