drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
