i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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