Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
home. puking in laundry basket.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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