so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
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