Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
