A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
