I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
