Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
