I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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