Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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