Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
