I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
