Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
